"There is no handy
roadmap for reconciliation. There is no short cut or simple
prescription for healing the wounds and divisions of a
society in the aftermath of sustained violence. Creating
trust and understanding between former enemies is a supremely
difficult challenge. It is, however, an essential one
to address in the process of building a lasting peace.
Examining the painful past, acknowledging it and understanding
it, and above all transcending it together, is the best
way to guarantee that it does not - and cannot - happen
again."
Desmond Tutu
Anglican Archbishop Emeritus of Capetown
I wholeheartedly agree with
Desmond Tutu, but where do I begin? What can I, as a citizen
of Northern Ireland, do to contribute to the building of
trust and understanding between former enemies?
Through the "Difficult
Conversations" programme, which I run as part of my
work with the Centre, I know that I can facilitate some
degree of change in attitudes, but I am frequently asked
for practical things to do. And so I tell people, "Learn
to listen…"
Listening is a lost art.
We (actually I mean "I") prefer to speak. It's
ironic. Listening is the most used communication skill and
yet it is the one least taught. Listening involves interpreting,
evaluating, understanding, responding and remembering! That's
a lot to keep in mind when you are engaging with another
human being that you know and like - how much harder when
the one before you is your enemy? Yet listening is a creative
force, it is magnetic and dynamic. When we are listened
to the listening creates space to unfold and expand our
conversations with others. Ideas actually begin to grow
within us and come to life.
No matter how hard we try
to listen, the old barriers get in the way. We hear part
of the story and start comparing the other's experience
to our own, we stop listening because we have already decided
what the other person's position is or we are so busy rehearsing
our next comment that we are only listening for a gap in
the conversation so we can jump in with our view.
We constantly filter, listening
to some things, maybe those that support our story, and
not listening to others, the things that don't. We lapse
into half-listening - something said triggers a memory of
our own and we end up thinking about that instead. Then
we move on to advice giving, offering solutions to problems
after hearing only a few sentences. Or we try to derail
the conversation by changing the subject because we're angry,
bored, uncomfortable or can't be bothered. Worst of all,
we try to placate people using words like "absolutely"
and "incredible" which sound pleasant and supportive,
but we are already moving on...
Have you ever found yourself
"listening" in such a way? If the answer is "Yes"
then remember, taking the time to listen comes into the
category of esteeming others better than ourselves (Philippians
2:3). As a quote someone sent me recently said, "Being
heard is so close to being loved as to be almost indistinguishable."
So, as we move towards a
shared future, could listening be a way to love God and
our neighbour? Could listening be a creative expression
of the kind of generosity needed for us to look at our past
together, to understand and transcend it? Could this be
our most creative, practical response to building peace
in Northern Ireland?
We at the Centre say "Yes!"
and so we are running a course in June to help people like
me to learn to listen…
Lynda
Gould
